


Why Would You Let Him Have That?!?

by AKAFishAKA



Series: Linked Relations [4]
Category: The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Tools, Weapons, bad decisions all around
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24211453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AKAFishAKA/pseuds/AKAFishAKA
Summary: To be read a la Rouge's 'Why tf would you make him do that?' from the Sonic '06 fandub.The Links have access to a wide variety of tools and weapons. It has been asked by many what would happen if you gave the wackiest of these tools to Wild?The answer? Many, many shenanigans. Though don't be fooled by thinking they're all caused by Wild. The rest of the group tends to equally be at fault.Tags will be updated as new chapters are posted!
Relationships: Legend & Wild (Linked Universe)
Series: Linked Relations [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1517579
Comments: 37
Kudos: 362





	1. Legend's "Strongest" Weapon

Legend neatly dodged out of the way of the current attacking bokoblin’s sword swipe and set him aflame with a wip of his fire rod. He watched quizzically as it ran away screaming and jumped off the cliff into the river down below. When Wind had said his bokoblins were pushovers, Legend had scoffed. They were fighting Wind’s enemies in Time’s world, a suspicious event to begin with, enough so that he’d been wary even though they weren’t infected.

Perhaps, Legend thought as the burning bokoblin’s scream ended in a quiet ‘sploosh,’ Wind had been right. Whatever, he shrugged, made his life easier.

He heard a loud, monstrous scream coming from his right, and glancing over, he saw another bokoblin running towards him. Maybe if it hadn’t started screaming like a madman it would’ve been able to sneak up on him, the idiot. Legend prepped his dodge.

“Don’t move!”

Legend froze in place as Wild rushed right behind him and crushed the bokoblin in one hit with a sledgehammer. Legend looked at Wild and smiled. “Nice hit.”

“Fuck yeah!” Wild cheered as he pulled up the sledgehammer. Instead of doing that, he managed to completely separate the handle from the head. Wild and Legend looked at the handle, then at the head on the ground, then back at the handle again, which promptly shattered into a million pieces. Legend burst out laughing.

“Dammit,” Wild frowned, pulling out his Sheikah Slate, “That was the last weapon with that type of power I had!” He looked up at Legend. “Do you have anything I could use with that type of power?”

This question gave Legend pause. The answer to the question Wild had asked was yes, he sure did, you don’t go on 7 quests and not obtain multiple super powerful weapons. ‘What item will you give this excited wild child that will not end up in complete disaster?’ was the real question he had to answer. It had to be strong but really quickly be able to be taken away… aha!

“Of course,” Legend said, digging through his pack. He eventually found what he was looking for. Wild watched with wide eyes as Legend pulled out a large, gleaming weapon with a large spiked ball, chain, and handle. He adjusted his grip and offered the handle to Wild who slowly took it.

“You hold the handle with both hands and swing,”Legend explained.

“What is it?”

“A flail, the goal’s to hit the enemy with the spiky ball part. It’s got good range, longer than that hammer.”

Wild nodded, then walked over to a singular bokoblin who was attempting to sneak up on Hyrule. The fact that Hyrule was watching it approach did not seem to discourage it. Hyrule looked at the duo, shrugged, and pointed at the ‘sneaky’ attacker. “Go ahead.”

Wild experimentally swung the flail a few times, then swung it at the bokoblin. It hit the small monster directly in the back. Wild, Legend, and Hyrule watched as it flew, screaming, into the air, over the cliffside, and landed in the river with yet another small ‘sploosh.’

Wild looked at the flail, then looked back at Legend with a grin as wide as the canyon was deep. “This thing fucking slaps!”

“Yup, and it’s yours to keep.”

Wild’s face lit up like a puppy when it sees, well, anything. “It does?”

“Sure does! Go hog wild, kiddo.”

Wild grinned somehow wider than before. “Thank you Legend, I will, you’re the best!” Wild ran off towards the rest of the enemies,holding the flail in both hands.

Hyrule walked up to Legend. “Are you sure this is a good idea?”

Wild ran up to a bokoblin and slammed the flail onto it, using his momentum to frontflip over it’s now dead form and land in the middle of a group of three more.

“Of course,” Legend rolled his eyes, “These guys are pushovers, he’ll be fine.”

Wild did a spin attack, knocking down all three bokoblins with ease.

“That’s not really what I’m worried about,” Hyrule confessed.

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course.”

“Then listen to me: It’s fine. I’ve got a backup plan anyways.” Wild ran up to another bokoblin group, but whipped the flail over his head and around a tree branch first, swinging up and over the group before slamming the flail onto all of them at once. “Ooh, acrobatic.”

“Okay,” Hyrule conceded, chewing his lip, “but I think Twilight’s coming over to be angry at you, so I’m gonna go keep and eye on him just in case.”

Legend nodded, Hyrule hurried away, and Twilight walked up radiating annoyance.

“I saw you give him that miniature ball and chain.”

“It’s called a flail.”

“We can’t let him keep it.”

“Oh, why not? He’s practically an expert already,” Legend gestured to Wild, who was now showing Hyrule how to swing the flail by swinging the flail extremely close to Hyrule. 

“That’s the problem. He’s too powerful and too chaotic. Giving him a new weapon type only gives him more excuses to do more dangerous monster challenge runs.”

“Ok,” Legend allowed, watching Hyrule desperately try to escape the conversation with Wild, “you’ve known him for longer, do what you think is best.”

Twilight sighed, “It’s too late, he’ll never give it back now.”

“Well duh,” Legend spoke to Twilight’s surprise, “That’s why I had a backup plan.”

“Which is?”

“Just deck him.” Twilight looked at Legend incredulously. “Sorry, is that not a saying in your time? Let me rephrase: just punch him. Hit him. Pull a Four and take him out at the knees.”

“It’s more effective than you would think!” Four piped from where he was talking to Warriors.

“I- eh, no, I know what ‘just deck him’ means,” Twilight sputtered, “I just don’t get how that’s gonna help solve this problem.”

“You’re gonna have to trust me because Hyrule finally escaped that conversation,” Legend said. Twilight looked up and saw Wild heading over (he didn’t see Hyrule, who was successfully hidden behind Time). “Here comes the wild child himself. Do what you will.”

Wild jogged up to the group of two, beaming. “Hey Legend, this flail is super cool! Thank you for-”

Twilight punched Wild directly in the shoulder. Wild gave a small yelp, then looked at Twilight, confused. His words were silenced by a mysterious cracking sound. The group looked down just in time to watch the flail in Wild’s hands crack into nanoparticles and disintegrate.

“My flail!” Wild cried.

“What in Hyrule was that?” Twilight asked.

“Glass flail,” Legend smirked, rolling his shoulders and cracking his knuckles, “breaks when you take damage. I’ve got 19 more in my pack for use when permission is given.”

Upon hearing that there were more flails, Wild’s mood improved dramatically. Twilight’s didn’t. “Who’s side are you on?”

“The side that gets rid of the most threats the fastest!”

Twilight’s gaze narrowed. ”...This is fine as long as I get to use one next fight.” 

“Just remind me.” Twilight’s face morphed into a grin not unlike Wilds. Legend walked over to where Sky was finishing cleaning the Master Sword.

“Do you really have 19 more flails?” Sky asked, glancing up at Legend.

“Yup. Don’t tell them I also have an unbreakable one though, I think Twi will have a conniption.”

Sky laughed so hard he dropped the Master Sword. Legend couldn’t help but laugh along with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my head cannon Legend also is the hero in Cadence of Hyrule, the game the glass flail comes from.


	2. Wind Runs a Country

Wild knew Wind’s Hyrule was always a toss up. Sometimes they landed on a gorgeous island and got to take a miniature vacation. Sometimes they were on a gorgeous island with a monster problem and had to work for their miniature vacation. Sometimes they landed on a nonexistent island in the middle of the ocean and got to help many group members out of panic attacks (and fish up Hyrule from where he had sunk; someone needed to teach that boy how to swim). This time however, they were outside a castle in a large field with the ocean nowhere in sight. This made it a shock when Wind cheered, led them into the castle, and started giving them a tour.

“And this is the fancy smancy meeting room,” Wind continued, walking the group into a giant hall with two thrones backed with a gorgeous stained glass portrait of a young woman, “and yes, the stained glass is Tetra; she looks all nice in the picture but trust me, she was holding a knife behind her back and cussing out the portrait artist the whole time.”

“And you own this?” Four clarified.

“Oh, yeah. Took some old ruins and, with the permission of the surrounding townsfolk and magical guardians of the land, renovated it with everything it needed: fancy meeting rooms, fancy bedrooms, normal ass lame meeting rooms and bedrooms, a cool kitchen, a huge pantry, an infirmary, a big courtyard, a library, a giant weapons room, a treasury, a time out dungeon, a sunroom with a ton of hammocks, a rabbit hutch room, the pig room, a catapult, a drinking room, an overflow drinking room, a betting room, a bet tracking room, the I Lost A Bet closet, the empty room, the anti-grav room, the magic portal room, the arts and crafts room, a dance party room, a music room, a concert hall, a stargazing room, an observatory, a portrait room, an aquarium, a bad portrait room and squid aquarium which double as a target range, the emotional vent room, the ceiling vent room, a pool, a saltwater pool, a hot tub, a huge and complicated water slide, a pool for ship battles, a fishing hole, the sand room, a giant jungle gym, a climbing wall, a ropes course, a ball pit, a roller coaster room, a pillow fort room…” Wind continued on, naming more and more rooms. Wild took notes for when he had to rebuild his world’s castle (he did wonder what the Master Mop was and why it was important enough for its own vault. Whatever the answer, he wanted one).

“Did he say drinking room?” Twilight whispered to Time.

“He said it twice,” Time monotoned back.

“He doesn’t mean alcohol drinking, right?”

“Does it matter? I’ve done worse at his age.”

“ **_YOU’VE WHAT!?!?!??!_ ** ”

“Hey, sandman,” Warriors interrupted (Wind was on dragon tower, currently awaiting dragon), “is it just you and Tetra running the joint, or is there someone else helping out?”

“Well, ‘Phonzo’s running all the train stuff and Anjean gives advice sometimes, but mostly it’s just us! We did hire some help once but it turns out he was a demon and he tried to kill us, so clearly that was a mistake that we should never do again.”

Warriors blinked. “That logic is… so flawed…”

“I wanna see some of these rooms,” Hyrule said, wide-eyed.

“I know Legend wants to see the rabbit room,” Sky said, nodding seriously, “I think that’s where you should show us next.”

“I- Sky- um-” Legend stammered.

“Ooh! Let’s go then!” Wind cheered. “The rabbit room has fifty rabbits so far!”

“And with Legend’s help, soon there’ll be fifty one,” Twilight smirked.

“Twilight-”

“Oh Legend do you have a rabbit?” Wind asked.   


“I- no- I- I know a guy,” Legend sighed. Twi and Sky high fived.

“Nice! On the way there we’ll pass a lame ass normal meeting room which will be turned into the portal room once we save the world so I can visit you guys, then we’ll pass the ship fight viewing deck, the phantom destruction room, and the broom closet. Then…”

Needless to say, the tour took a while. Wild wasn’t sure why they needed to see all seven fight club rooms, but he wasn’t supposed to talk about them, so he didn’t ask. Dinner was great (a creamy seafood soup with cream fresh from Time and Malon’s ranch), but he used up his final salmon, which he complained about because he really liked how they tasted.

They got to sleep in the fancy bedrooms as opposed to the normal bedrooms because Wind liked them. They each got their own room too! And that’s how they all, including Twilight as Wolfie (he’d lied to the part of the group not inon the secret), ended up asleep in one bedroom squished onto the singular king-sized bed. 

Wild was gently shaken awake by Wind, who was whispering at him as loudly as he could while still whispering. “Wild! You gotta wake up!”

“Wind? What? Is something wrong?”   


“You’re out of fish!”

Wild carefully sat up, shifting Wolfie’s head down to rest on Time’s hand. “Yes, and?”

“And I know where we can get more, but if we don’t leave now, we won’t be back in time for breakfast!”

“That’s very nice of you, Wind, but I think the others will be mad if we go out alone without telling an adult, and I don’t want to be put in your Time Out Dungeon.”

“Aren’t you an adult?”

“Twilight says I don’t count.”

“Then who is an adult?”

“Um… Time, Twi, Wars, and… Legend. Sky’s my age, so he’s on the edge.”

Wind’s eager smile shifted into a devious one. “I’ve got a plan.”

* * *

“So this is Bessie, my Spirit Train,” Wind said in what at this point was just a stage whisper, pointing at a giant machine in the middle of what he had called the ‘train station room,’ “She’s a beauty, has a ton of magic power, and can get us to the ocean and back in time for breakfast easy. You can place Legend in the passenger car, that third one from the front.”

Wild gently carried a dead asleep Legend into the passenger car and laid him on the seats. “I feel like he’s gonna kill us for doing this.”

“If he wants to leave he can just jump off,” Wind declared.

Wild blinked. “That’s fair.”

“You can ride up here with me in the engine car,” Wind explained. “I used this train mostly with Tetra, so I’m almost used to having two people up there all the time.”

“Almost?”

“Well she didn’t have a corporeal body at the time, so I’m not sure how different being able to feel you is gonna make this.”

“She’s not dead, is she?”

“Oh no, she was only mostly dead. There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. If she was all dead, I would’ve had to rob her. Pirate’s honor, you know. She’d do the same for me”

Wild frowned. “I’m confused.”

“Honestly, so were we, that adventure was a trip. FULL STEAM AHEAD!”

Wind grabbed a lever and pushed it fully forwards, quickly turning to throw some coal into a large fire. The train huffed and roared to life, steam coming from the… the… he didn’t know what that large cylinder was, but steam was really coming from it. Wild leaned out of the car to look down at the wheels spin,the stick attached to them also moving in circles, as the train picked up speed and exited the station.

Turns out, trains slap. Wild spent the entire trip south through what Wind called the Forest Realm (though it was mostly a field but whatever) hanging 75% out of the engine car, letting the wind ruffle his clothes and flow through his hair. It felt like gliding on his paraglider after he’d launched himself across the sky via bombs except better because he didn’t have to blow himself up first.

The ride to Papuchia, Wind had called it, went extremely smoothly. The only thing that went smoother was the actual shopping trip in Papuchia, which went so well Wind decided they had time for a fun detour.

“Are we riding over the ocean?” Wild asked, now 80% out of the train car to watch the water go by.

“Yup!” Wind beamed. “The Spirit Tracks contain the magic of the land so they can go anywhere. If we get to tour the rest of New Hyrule, I’ll take you to the Ocean Temple; that one’s underwater!”

“Really?”

“Magic’s pretty cool, huh?”

“I'm liking it- What. Are. Those?” Wild interrupted himself, pointing to the two strange purple creatures that had surfaced next to the train

“Those are dolphins!” Wind smiled. ”Lean back in the train, I wanna show you something and don’t want you to fall out.”

“You’d let Legend fall out,” Wild raised an eyebrow, pulling himself back until he was only 30% out of the train.

“If he wants to leave, he can leave,” Wind clarified, “you, meanwhile, don’t want to leave. Now watch.”

Wind grabbed the rope that had been conspicuously hanging from the car and, swinging his whole body weight, pulled it down. The train let out a screaming whistle, startling Wild (Wind was right, he was now 40% out of the car) and alerting the dolphins, who let out a- a laugh, that’s what it had to be, before diving under the water and leaping  _ over the train _ .

“They swim like the zora!” Wild laughed, running across the engine car to follow the dolphin’s flight path.

“I’ve never met a zora but I believe you!” Wind grinned, turning around and leaning on the button pane that controlled the train.

“Wind? Wild?” says someone from behind Wild. He spins around, Wind popping his head out of the train (35% out, to be precise) and around the odd catapult-esque contraption between the engine and the passenger car.

Legend, still clothed pajamas, one hand gripping the train, the other holding his hat to prevent it from flying away into the ocean forever, leans out of the window of the passenger car. He appears to Wild to be 50% out of the train car and 100% fucking pissed.

“Good morning Legend,” Wind sputtered sheepishly.

“What. the.  _ Fuck _ . Is. Going. On,” Legend demanded.

“We went shopping for breakfast,” Wild supplied.

“Why did you kidnap me instead of, I don’t know,  _ waking me up _ ! Actually, what the hell are we even in? How is it driving on top of the ocean?  _ WHY _ are we even  _ in  _ the ocean to  _ begin  _ with; I went to bed in the  **_fucking CASTLE!_ ** ”

“We needed adult supervision and figured everyone would say no,” Wild said, answering only one of Legend’s many questions.

“I’m not supervising you!” Legend scoffed.

“Well then you can get off the train and go home,” Wind answered.

“ _ Get off into the  _ **_fucking middle of the OCEAN?!?!?_ ** ” Legend exploded. “ **_And what the FUCK is a TRAIN?”_ **

Wind, instead of doing something helpful like answering those questions, turned around to check where they were.”Oh, we’re about to enter the cave to the Fire Realm-”

“The FIRE REALM?!?!”

“Legend, stop hanging out the window, you’ll get hit by the cave.”

Legend (and Wild, just in case) pulled himself back. This made the entrance to the cave uneventful. The cave itself was not uneventful. 

“Oh, mother _ fucker _ ,” Wind grimaced, “I killed that last time I was through here.”

Wild watched as Wind’s gaze shifted upwards and followed it with his eyes. A large sleeping… thing sat on the ceiling.

“Hey Wind, what  _ is _ that?” Legend shouted from his spot.

“Rocktite! Do you have any magic shit to knock stuff off walls?”

“Yeah, I have a…” Legend disappeared into the passenger car for a second before popping back out. “Where the  _ fuck _ is my stuff?”

“Oh yeah, we left it all so you wouldn’t shank us, woops,” Wind laughed. “At least it only attacks the passenger car.”

“That’s where  **_I AM!!!!!!!_ ** ” Legend shrieked.

“It’s coming back, guys,” Wild interrupted, eying the large rock monster. “How do we kill this thing?”

“ _ I  _ am going to drive, Legend’s gonna keep an eye on the rocktite, and  _ you _ are gonna shoot it.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Wild said, pulling out his bow.

“Not with that,” Wind scoffed, “That’s useless against the rock monster. You’re gonna use-”

“It’s catching up!” Legend called.

“HANG ON!” Wind shouted. Wild watched Legend pop back into the passenger car and followed suit, wedging himself next to Wind. The sailor- this can’t also be called sailing, Wild thought; there must be a different name for it because this isn't a boat. The actions of sailing’s named after the sail, so what’s the similar part on a train? The steam thing? Steamer? Smoker? Whatever. Wind set his stance and pulled the lever from the highest position to the lowest. Wild’s back slammed against the front of the car as a horrid screeching sounded from the train. A loud crash caused Wild to pull himself up and look in front of the now retreating train at the rocktite a hair’s length from the front of the train.

“I thought this train was magic?” Wild asked as the rocktite got up and shook itself off.

“Bessie  _ is _ , and so is my Wind Waker, but you can snap both in half if you’ve got enough force!” Wind scoffed, putting the train back into drive as the rocktite retreated backwards down the cave. “Now, Wild, you’re manning the canon.”

So that’s what that was. He’d seen some before, too, though there wasn’t anyone to launch from it that he’d seen “What’s getting shot out of it?” 

“Magic cannonballs, duh, what do  _ you  _ shoot out of cannons?”

“...Yunobo.”

Wind looked back at Wild. “What’s a Yunobo?”

“Um-”

“Where’s the rocktite?” Legend called from the passenger car. 

Wild looked at him as he climbed to the cannon car to see he now sported a nasty looking bump on his forehead. “What happened to you?” He asked.

“I got thrown across the- this- my own person moving prison cell.”

“He did say to hang on.”

“Shut the fuck up. Why is there a rabbit hutch in here? Did Sky set it up to spite me?”

“What?” Wind responded, facing forwards again. “No, Sky hasn’t seen Bessie, the rabbit hutch is for the rabbits, obviously. The rocktite went back behind the train, can you see it?”

“Gods I hate all of this so much,” Legend murmured, shifting to see behind the train. “Oh yeah, yup, it’s coming back guys!”

“ _ Shit _ ,” Wind swore. “Wild, just shoot it’s eye a shit ton and it’ll die. I’ll make sure we don’t die.”

“What do I do?” Legend asked.

“Uh, provide us with cool background music or something, I don’t know.” Wind shrugged.

“You see, I would,but sadly, you LEFT ALL MY BELONGINGS IN THE CASTE!”

“Well then, you’re just gonna hang in there, buddy,” Wild smiled, swinging the cannon around with his hands.

The cannons in Wild’s time were simply ok. They only showed up in very specific places, could only shoot a short length in comparison to some of his bows, had a very limited aiming range, needed a bomb to work (causing a long reload time), and also involved shooting one of his friends, and though Yunobo was Daruk’s direct descendant and was sturdier than Lanayru Mountain, Wild still didn’t like it. Wild only used them when necessary.

This cannon however, was the best thing Wild had had the pleasure of using in a good long while. He could aim it anywhere, it had infinite ammo and an infinitesimal reload time, it had a super long range, and, as he found out upon shooting the rocktite straight in the eye, the cannonballs exploded on impact. THIS cannon Wild loved. With a grin, he swung it around to aim at the rocktite again. This, he thought, was going to be fun. Legend’s screams disagreed, but his opinion didn’t matter that much, as they’d decided earlier when they kidnapped him.

The fight went fine. Wild’s aiming skills transferred over to the cannon with ease, Wind was extremely good at driving his train, and Legend did very well at hanging in there. The rocktite was down like clockwork. The rest of the train ride went quickly but  _ felt  _ slow since the duo could feel Legend’s glare on the back of their necks the whole trip.

Awaiting them at the castle station was the rest of the group (even Sky was awake, wow). Hyrule held Legend’s belongings. Warriors held a bowl of what looked like ‘breakfast’ if breakfast was actually dubious food. Twilight held his head in his hands.

“Hey, Sandman, why did you three go and take the train without telling anyone?” Warriors asked, scarily calmly.

“We went shopping!” Wind explained. “Got some supplies. Wild got to try out the cannon; he’s super good at it!”

“Why. Why did you let him try out the cannon?” Twilight murmured as Legend marched past him to gather his things from Hyrule.

“I mean, my other option was driving, and I feel like you would’ve hated that more.” Wild nodded sagely.

“You know what, you’re right,” Twilight gave up.

“I’m surprised you guys got adult supervision,” Sky admitted.

“Same here,” Four added. “I’m actually shocked you agreed, Legend.”

“Oh?” Legend guffawed, pulling his hat fully on. “Oh, you seem to have misread the situation, my dear Four. I did not give them permission. I, in fact, did not want to go on this trip in the first place. They placed me in back and left.”

The entire group turned to glare at Wind and Wild. Wind sheepishly smiled, and Wild supplied, “If he didn't approve he could have left?”

“Jump off a train? Into the ocean?” Legend said through gritted teeth.

“We weren’t over the ocean the whole time,” Wind argued.

“Oh yeah, being left alone with the giant rock spider monster was a great option for me.”

The group’s glare grew stronger somehow. Time sighed. “I think you guys deserve some time in the Time Out Room.”

“I think we don’t,” Wild smiled, grabbing Wind and taking off in a random direction. After passing through the doorway, Wind broke off and pressed a button on the wall, lowering a gateway and blocking the rest of the group. He stuck his tongue out at the group before returning to run with Wild.

“YOU GUYS GET BACK HERE!” Someone cried as they made their getaway.

“You know this castle front to back, right?” Wild asked Wind.

“Of course!” Wind grinned. “I planned it, after all! We can lose them in the maze room for sure.”

“Or we could circle around back to Bessie and leave,” Wild smirked. 

Wind’s face lit up in delight. “Wanna go beat up more rocktites?”

“Do I ever!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to the LU Discord's weekly prompt being slightly veiled Spirit Tracks appreciation week


End file.
